depressed for this min.

i believe in the old chinese saying "xian ku huo tian" which means u suffer first and then u enjoy happiness ltr on. that goes for my blog first. i would like to put my unhappy thots down first before i proceed to my happy day today.

i am supposed to have lessons at 8am tmr. but i figured out that i cant slp w/o getting my thots straighten out.

i just finished watching superstar on channel u. the female champion was the SIA air stewardess Kelly and the male one was Kelvin/Kevin, the visually handicapped contestant. i am both happy for them for i think they possess the superb singing qualities.

watching the prog made me cry. well, almost. i was amazed by their musical goals in life. i like the way the expressed their passion abt music. (whether it is just for show or it is for real it is another issue. that i do not care for it is none of my concern) i cry nt bcos i am moved by their goals. but it made me think abt myself.

i seemed to lose myself during this pursuit of degree. the degree that everyone says is useless bcos it is a GENERAL degree. i beg to differ. it is a science degree. yes. science is general bcos almost everything can be classified as science today. apparently everything goes by logic nowadays.

all degrees, and i mean ALL degrees are obtained with hard work no matter whether it is a pass, pass w merit, third class, 2nd upper/lower or 1st class upper honours. indeed there are people who study for the sake for getting a better life w the degree after 3/4 years. but noone will wanna go thru the tremedous stress during the examination periods. noone will wanna get up at 5/6am to wash up and to get their butt in sch by 8am. noone wants to skip their meals just to attend the next lecture rite after the current lecture. noone would wan their parents to pay 5/6k per year and to obtain a piece of certificate after 3/4 years. noone wan to study full time and work part time just to earn that extra lil sum of money to get what they like and wan. noone likes to get themselves buried under those stack of papers during the examination periods. noone likes to visit the bookstore more than they visit the shopping centres just bcos they have to get enuff books to ensure that they know what is happening during lectures.

i am a typical example of the above-mentioned. i dun like them. but i do acknowledge that there are certain perks in being a student.

but before i recall the perks, i would like to qns myself this. what is the reason for me entering the science faculty when i first got my A levels results? with my results, i cld enter any faculty i wan. any schs i wan. but why science?

i think i am kinda lost as i watched how those contestants express their desire to pursue their musical goals. as week 2 of sch is ending tmr, week 3 and so on are approaching. i barely understand what the lecturers are talking abt. i swear i did pay attention. but somehow they dun interest me as much as it did in the past. i am disappointed with sch. i dislike the way how NUS grade students. they go by the bell curve. which means the foreign scholars are always obtaining the A+ and As, then the rest of us getting the grades below A. i dun mean that the locals are DUMB. i can only infer that we arent as hardworking as them.

i used to be passionate abt chemistry. i love to understand how things work. how things work in details so that we can c the big picture. i was always the top few scorers for chemistry back in secondary sch and jc. perhaps it was a mistake for me to link good grades equate to interest. i dunno if that was ever a mistake. but i loved chemistry. and i still love chemistry. i have to get my goal rite before i can carry on.

but before i do, i need to pick up where i left. i need to understand more abt what is going on before i can regain my passion. like one of the professor commented, many of us are in science bcos of our passion. i must admit getting into science is by choice and not by luck bcos there are plenty of students who have darn good grades.

to gain back my momentum, i am qutting my job. it is official gals. i am submiting my resignation tmr when i am back in office. last day shall be on 22 sep. i need sum time alone to find back the love for my field of interest.

the idea of having lotsa money to buy whatever i like is indeed luring. but i believe finding back what i have temporarily lost is more impt and urgent bcos the latter can sustain me for life. it is the light that is going to guide me thru my entire life. money, afterall is sth that can always be earned in the future.

i can do w/o pretty clothes and girlie shoes. i can do w/o a lovely bag for sch. i can do w/o fine dining. i can do w/o the latest mobile phone. i can do w/o str8 and shiny rebonded hair. but i need my goal in life. i thank god for the chances that he has been giving me in life. i must admit that i am pretty lucky bcos i am where i am today. at least i have the chance to pursue my goal and wants in life.

i urge everyone to rethink abt their desires and aims in life.